(no subject)

What to do when you're feeling extremelly shitty?

I have no idea. Got any ideas?

I hate to lay this on you guys, but my best friend is offline, and I need to let this out.

I feel so fucking horrible. I haven't cried like this in ages. My eyes are sore. I'm sure tomorrow they'll be all red and puffy.

Why?

I hate my job. My I-just-started-last-week job. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I never though it was gonna be like this. I never expected that nicely detailed job description to mean the shit that I have to do. It's not like it's cleaning bedpans, but I hate my responsibilities, I hate the stuff I have to do. Hated it always. There's a reason I almost flunked Accounting & Finance at the Uni.

But the job is a great opportunity, the pay and benefits are great. It's a wonderful experience. I originally knew it wasn't a more than 2 year job, but right now I can't picture myself there for even 6 months. I know I have to give it a try, and see were it all leads. See if in a few days/weeks I get settled down, but... the fact that you're crying one week into the job is not a good sign.

But, I'm 23 fucking years old, and I can't make a rash decision, 'cause this jobs means a car, medical insurance, and money to help Mom and Dad out. It means profesional betterment. It means security.

And I can't let down my parents, my sis, who got my foot into the door, but family, the friends I left at Borders, my new boss who's great. And me. I feel like such a loser.

So many people out there looking for a job, or holding 2 or 3 jobs because they can't make ends meet, and I'm feeling bad because I don't like my responsibilities at my very well paid job.

I hate this. I hate feeling like this. So inadequate, so stupid.

But I'm there, and I'm thinking about having my own bussiness. Of dropping everything and finally try to write a orig novel. Of just finding myself a good guy and make babies. Of fucking going back to Borders with my tails between my legs. I think of the plans to open a new Borders and I'm thinking I should apply for a managerial position there. Anything but being there.

I can't stand this. I want to scream. I want to just say fuck it and hide under the covers and never come out.

I'm really sorry for laying this on you guys, but if I didn't post this, I think I'd go mad.